Fast Five Review: Sex, Cars and The Rock's Beard

There aren't enough muscular man-hugs in this Summer's blockbusters, let Fast Five quench your hug-thirst.
Fast Five is going to be a hard sell in retrospect. As of me typing this, my local theater has limited the screenings of this fine piece of action film making. How is it possible that the fifth sequel to a movie franchise has finally found it’s voice? I panned the previous movie, because it didn’t know what it wanted to be. Like the original The Fast and the Furious, Fast Five emphasizes what it does well. There are beautiful people who drive cars and sometimes the cars explode.

Somehow, between the un-clever naming of sequels [2 Fast 2 Furious, ugh] and an unhealthy dose of melodrama [killing off key characters] watching a two-hour movie about pretty people destroying gorgeous cars became boring. This should never be, that sentence alone is good for at least ten movies. Director Justin Lin has taken all the good found in The Expendables, Oceans 11 and [weirdly] Call of Duty, then put it in one movie.

 
Question: Why does it take this much star-power to help Jordana Brewster find a healthy amount of body fat?

Answer: She can't type for too long, for her 72 pound frame has to take 30 minute breaks between Google searches.

Now I said Fast Five would be a hard sell. One can’t pitch a movie to your friend group, by saying, “Hey, I know you guys haven’t enjoyed the Fast and Furious movies for the past ten years, but this one...” This is the wrong approach. Just show them the starting line up of Vin Diesel, Dwayne “He Dropped The Rock” Johnson, Tyrese, and Ludacris. I don’t think we are genetically built to run away from this kind of star power.

Yes, there are attractive women in this movie and I’m actually surprised at how much sex isn’t had. Justin Lin has finally found a healthy balance of sexual and adrenaline-laced tension. I guess there may not be a difference. It helps that the CG is used to a minimum in this film. I think the previous three Fast and Furious(es) flicks suffered when they strayed from their stunt coordination. People want to see if you can actually drive down a crowded street in Favela, with a 10-ton safe. Spoiler: you can!

Some of the lines are dopey, most are delivered by a doe-eyed Diesel. The Rock is amazing, even if he doesn’t use wrestling name in his acting credits. His beard bothered me. It was like I was looking at an evil version of The Rock -- The Block.

 
Drinking Debate: Pataky's eyes versus The Rock's beard, which were more distracting in Fast Five?

Fast Five takes odd chances. Like lightly touching on corruption issues in South America. Yeah, they go there. Well not really, because the movie is edited and paced for fun and drinking games. And just when you think they may be straying down a path too political, boom, night race! It’s this kind of schizophrenic slight-of-hand that has reinvested me in this fluffy franchise. Walker and Diesel’s characters are wanted by law enforcement and criminals-alike, but its always good to know that on any given night there are scantly clad women, sitting on the hoods of cars. Cars, waiting to be nonsensically raced.

I just checked the box-office. Fast Five is going to earn over $200 million dollars domestically. It deserves every penny. This year’s blockbusters aren’t even trying to hide the sound stages their filmed on. I would say watch this movie after drinks and try not staring too much into Elsa Pataky’s eyes or The Rock’s Beard.

Seriously, his beard really bothered me.


I give Fast Five...

Not sure what I find weirder, the fact that they opted to chop off the torso -- or that this man is waiting for two friends.

The “Guy laying on a fake lady’s lap pillow” Award!