Twilight: Eclipse Review -- It Was The Best Of Times

Flowers Are In Bloom, It's Still Cool To Have 20-somethings Play High School Students...And Apparently Virgins.
Why do I keep doing this to myself? Twilight fans, we have been through this before. Judging by the e-mails and tweets from the last review, there are a lot of you guys out there ready to plant C4 under my car. Well you will be happy to know that I actually think that Twilight: Eclipse is the first watchable movie in the series. Director, David Slade uses his knack for plugging in interesting action when meandering dialog begins to pull the movie down [see also: 30 Days Of Night]. Unfortunately, the source material is the poison killing anything substantive in this action-fantasy tale of tepid romance.

The best aspect of Twilight is the audience it attracts. I watched this movie weeks after its release and yet there were still teenagers and middle-aged moms with their “Team ...” whatever shirts. The emotional roller coaster that exists within the triangle of Bella Swan, Edward Cullen and shirtless wolf man, Jacob Black is certainly at its highest point throughout Eclipse -- a lukewarm bubble. Due to dry dialog, there are very few scenes where you feel anything sexual between Kristen Stewart and either of her romantic interest. Its really odd to see her go through the motions seeing as so many critics and movie enthusiast tout her range and potential. You would never know it watching this movie.

Here We See A Rare Photo Of Lautner With A Shirt On. "Cullen, You Need To Eat A Sandwich."

As discussed in the last review, the sexual tension between Team Jacob and Team  Edward is palpable. One of the better scenes in Eclipse involves Bella soundly asleep in a tent during a snow storm. Edward Cullen stares down a shirtless Jacob and they begin to talk about their relationship. I’m sorry, their relationship with Bella. The scene is supposed to play out like two knights meeting mid-battle to discuss what they have in common -- and also why two knights in love is something that could never be. Instead the scene is disturbed by Pattinson’s stale delivery and Stewart’s inability to adequately pretend to be asleep.

Luckily the movie excels where the last two installments clumsily fell into a bramble patch of suck. Bella actually is a stronger character. She makes decisions based on her own motivations and changes her mind when it suits her. Unfortunately, when she does change her mind it doesn’t lend itself well to good storytelling. You really find it hard to digest that these two strong-jawed men, one of which can live forever given the proper sunscreen, are willing to wait for this unemotional child to make a decision of whom she loves most.

Its A Good Thing We Got Our Family Hoodies On...Surely The Wolves Will Be Jealous By Our Stylish Wears.

The setting is Seattle, but when the action moves off of the dividing line between the Cullen family and the Quileute clans, even if the movie is shot on location the bulk of the New Born vampires path of destruction -- it plays like an off-off Broadway rendition of West Side Story.

One of the more interesting asides in this two-hours of mediocrity called Eclipse, were the shoehorned flashbacks of the Cullen and Quileute back stories. Probably not the best idea to give so much character background in the 3rd of 4 movies, but now fans finally get an explanation as to why Jackson Rathbone’s character, Jasper, has such a ridiculous Southern accent. The sad thing is, Rathbone was raised in Texas. Awful accents aside, the flashbacks, help with piecing together this malformed tale of action and fantasy romance. The very first scene of Eclipse is the strongest. It gives viewers a false hope that the poetry occurring behind the camera will be mimicked in the plot. I’m sorry.

I would like to see Twilight, as a whole, as a stage production. Think about it. The overacting and over-projection of misplaced emotion is fine-tuned for 2nd tier stage production. Let’s not forget the terrible music cues which reminds the audience that every scene is better with popular alterna-rock rotting your brain in the background. But hey, at least its better than the last one right? Right?

I Give Twilight: Eclipse...

"Who Do You? Who Do You, Who Do You, Who Do You Think You Are?

The “If You Google Image Search Twilight: Eclipse -- For No Reason At All -- An Image Of Ceelo Appears” Award