Naughty Bear Review -- F**king Terrible

Naughty Bear: the Citizen Cane of poorly conceived games of 2010.
By the time you read this, Naughty Bear will have been released and several games that are more enjoyable should have followed. Created by a company called A2M [hold your sophomoric quips, its short for Artificial Mind and Movement] and published by 505 Studios -- Naughty Bear adds further fuel to the argument of how games are valued. A game with this few environments and [im]mature tone would have easily fared better as a downloadible title. Naughty Bear is trapped between being a childish murder-simulator and tepid action-adventure game. Though this romp won’t be on many game of the year lists [not in my imagination at least], it sure in the running for my personal “worst of...” by year’s end.

Every mission starts the same, Naughty Bear, wakes up in his bland one-floor home, alone. Instantly you feel invested because who doesn’t love a stitched together bear with homicidal tendencies -- whose also a bachelor? The gimmick is a pale imitation of Rockstar’s Manhunt. Where with Manhunt, here’s a game that can be both engaging and off-putting due to simple design quirks that probe a gamer’s psyche. Naughty Bear is literally and figuratively filled with fluff. If it weren’t for the little stage 1-1 and 1-2 indicators before each depressing menu selection, you’d swear every level was the same. In Manhunt you have a sadistic narrator goading you to make decisions you are either conflicted about or eager to execute. In Naughty Bear you have an uninspired narrator who seems to be filling-in for Greg Proops and constantly egging you on to rack up the points. If they gave him more to say, the game wouldn’t be so yawn-worthy.

 
Protip: Though Naughty Bear prides itself on its 'stealth n' stab' gameplay, I would advise you kill as many bears and snatch their weapons as fast as possible. The game rewards a variety of kills comboed together rather than methodically offing these bears one at a time.When Naughty leaves his home he has the option of going through only a couple of doors to hurt his cuddly, cotton-filled neighbors. With a wide array of environmental kills Naughty can inflict on his unsuspecting stuffed-bear brethren, A2M saw it fit to saddle the player with a camera fit for Stevie Wonder. If you have hopes of creating havoc upon the cute citizens on the Island of Perfection, allow the flimsy controls and jerky camera movements to suffocate this dream. You will surely enjoy hiding in bushes while an enemy is staring right at you and being surprised as to how you just disappeared into leafed-air. So don’t expect intense bouts with game’s A.I.

A lot of Naughty Bear is actually quite decent. Like, well, the title screen and the end credits. Its really hard to see the little fine touches of good when ultimately the game is more boring and tedious than anything close to enjoyable. A cool feature is the ability to see high scores on each level of the game giving you more fuel to exact vengeance on the scores above your own. There are plenty of costume upgrades that have different attributes which you can unlock given you feel the need to explore more of the bland territories and rote episodic stories in Naughty Bear. The trophies and achievements seem to be a suitable carrot for the average mule who just wants to plow through a nonsensical game with mediocre moments of bliss.

 
There are special bears that can follow you into the forest where Naughty can easily hide. Don't fret, the A.I. is so astronomically awful the special bears can serve as bait to lure other bears to your area. Take their weapons and continue on this path very few should travel.The fact that you can kill someone by scaring them [to suicide] and sabotaging their appliances [in this world, stuffed bears have an incessant need to fix stuff] leads me to believe that this game may actually warrant interest. Oh shucks, as I type, I’m realizing that the game’s charm has scared up a sequel. Well, hey this is just one man’s opinion, but supporting a game like Naughty Bear seems like an odd move to make. Where we once cried for games to give us something story-driven and polished, Naughty Bear is anything but. Perhaps the talented folks over at A2M [now Behaviour] have their hearts and minds set on delivering ‘budget’ titles, someone should send out a blanket e-mail stating that their games need not reveal themselves in such an obvious manner.

Naughty Bear has all the childish charm of a fun Disney movie. Touting graphic and occasional creative killing of inanimate objects that will unsettle anyone for the first couple stabs and swats, Naughty Bear had something. Then it loses it when the realization that the game world is much too large for its playful gimmicks.

I give Naughty Bear …

Because pandas posing for photos are more entertaining.

The "Sad Panda Is Sad" Award.